it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
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