I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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