He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
