can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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