Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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