i think my mom watched the whole time
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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