So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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