Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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