Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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