i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
