Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
