Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i dont even know how to be here
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
