Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
