Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
