i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
