seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
