So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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