I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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