I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
