wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
