Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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