I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
