I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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