I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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