Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
