Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
