dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
