I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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