So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
