He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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