At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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