Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
