I think I died a long time ago.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
