My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
