i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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