**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
