legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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