Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
