I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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