I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
