my vag is so smooth its legendary
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Please don't give away my fajitas
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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