Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
