Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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