Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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