Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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