Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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