I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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