just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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