My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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