it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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