Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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