so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
