Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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