I'm sorry my penis didn't work
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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