so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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