my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
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I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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