i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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