Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
