Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
