I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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