Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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