i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We left the knife in your bed.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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