she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
