my phone needs a breathalizer
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
